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            • 1. Assess the needs
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          • Step 1: Definition of policy purpose
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            • 1. Creating accountability and strengthening commitment
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            • 4. Developing a strategy and work plan
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            • 6. Setting gender equality objectives
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            • 1. Strengthening accountability
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        • WHAT
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          • AREA 1 – Women and men have equal opportunities to ENTER the parliament
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          • Tool 1: Connecting the EU Funds with the EU’s regulatory framework on gender equality
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          • Tool 2: Analysing gender inequalities and gender needs at the national and sub-national levels
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          • Tool 3: Operationalising gender equality in policy objectives and specific objectives/measures
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          • Tool 4: Coordination and complementarities between the EU Funds to advance work-life balance
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            • Step 1. Alignment with the EU’s strategic engagement goals for gender equality and national gender equality goals
            • Steps 2 and 3. Identifying and developing possible work-life balance interventions
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            • Fictional case study 1: reconciling paid work and childcare
            • Fictional case study 2: reconciling shift work and childcare
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My personal story

PrintDownload as PDF
Narrative
Country: Italy
Sex:
Female
Primary Topic:
LEISURE
Year:
1990, 2010

I: I want to be clarify that in our family we have never been jealous and we never behaved in a way to provoke jealousy, or due to our parents' behaviour who were more intimate or closer to some of us than the other one, we never met those problems, but as years passed by and talking to some girlfriends who had brothers themselves I came to realize that parents raise girls in a different way then they do with boys. In my case, my brother is also younger than me, so that when you have a first born you already lived some experiences and you know how to prepare him/her for the future and how to raise him, while at the beginning it is more difficult, you don't know how you should behave, they ask you to allow them to go to a party and you don't know how to react and what to answer.
And I realized that while a girl of a certain age is not allowed to go out at night, a boy may be allowed to do it, to stay out with his friends earlier, at least this happened in my experience; I have an example of something that happened in these days, as my brother who is 16 years old asked to go on holidays with some friends of him. If I would have done it at 16, I think my parents would have not allowed me to do it with my own girlfriends; if on one side I can maybe say “you did not behave like that with me”, I can understand that parents may be more worried about their daughter, as women risk to a wider extent than boys in the world outside.
For sure there would be many things to say about consenting to go out, to go to party, I never went out before I was 15/16 years old, I did not do it as my own friends they were not allowed to go out at night themselves while now teenagers start to do it when they are at the junior high school, I don't know, maybe times have changed...

I : How old is your brother?

R : 4 years younger than me, but generatios are changing, it may seems a nonsense, I'm not saying I'm old, but it is true there are radical changes if I compare my generation with the new ones.

I : But you feel to be part of a different generation than your brother?

R :Yes, this is for sure, and this is something I verified also with other people of the same age as I am, they are allowed to do many more things, and they have many more things, as far as my brother is concerned and for sure also because he is a boy, they are much more permissive and soft, is not that they are giving him whatever he is asking for? but another example is about computer; I didn't use it until a certain age, not because they didn't want me, I wasn't that interested in, and then the social networks' fashion boosted, these arrived more or less when I was 16, while my brother he grew up with them, these things already existed when he was 12/13, he was not connected everyday and he easn't a maniac of these websites but for sure he met the computers' world, videogames and technologies long before me.
(…)

R: (...) Then there is something else, domestic work, for example

I: (nodding)

R: It’s not that my brother is exempted from it, but if I don’t make it, mainly my mother in this case, as my father is not going to tell me “do the washing up, do this or that” but she needs help and for sure she is not going to ask my brother for washing up, to hang up the washing or to make beds, so my brother is always leaving the bed unstripped, while I was raised with the expectation that I should have stripped it down, and he never makes it.

I: As far as your parents are concerned is it your mother who is mostly taking care of thistype of work?

R : That's for sure, my father is very messy, he needs his mess even in his work, but for sure women are the ones who work more at home.

I often was envying my brother as each time I wondered “why do I always have to do anything and he doesn’t?”. If I don’t tidy up my room my mother is calling me all sort of names as she loves order and tidiness and me and my brother we also share the same room, and if his part of the room is more than usual he can always say “yes, I am going to clean up later on” and she is going to do it for him as she knows how he is lazy and she knows he is never going to do it, he says he’s going to do it but he won’t, while I am the one who tends to help her more. If she has to ask for help she won’t ask my brother, not because she gives preference to him but this is something natural to her to ask a woman than a man, as he is lazier and bad at doing these things.

I : Is this a matter for discussion between you and with your parents?

R : Well, these are not discussions that may lead not to talk to each other, nothing very important, but of course I bothered about my mother's behaviour with both of us in some circustances if I dont' strip my down I am called all sort of names, as she loves tidiness and our house is not that large, then we often have guests and she doesn't like if beds are not stripped down and we have things all around, but for sure if he is not stripping his bed down she is not going to reproach him and if she has to ask anybody to help her in hanging out the washing or do the washing up or cleaning the house she is not going to ask him, not because she preferes him in any way, but because it is natural for her to ask a woman, as she knows he is lazier, less talented for these things; them in these days, I was telling you he asked permission to make this trip alone, and I felt a bit... It's not that I am angry, I've nothing against it, I'm happy for him but of couse it spontaneously comes up to my mind "you would never have allowed me to travel alone, with my friends, to another european town", you have asked me to come back home at night at a specific time until a short time ago ,... this is another thing, hours, we never had problems with our parents about hours we were expected to be back home on saturday nights, we agreed on a certain time, we were never past it, for example at the beginning I came back at 10.30 pm, then 11.00, then it was increased, but my brother he has been going out and doing what he wants since the last 2 years, already out while if I would have done this at that age, not only me but also my girl friends, we had to be at home before 10.30 , while he can stay out until midnight, even 00.30 depends, when he has problems he calls them and says 'look I'm coming back earlier/later', while at the time I had to come back at a certain time and that it was, and if possible I had to have someone to fetch me, as they didn't want me to come back alone.

I : You were talking about your personal experience and said that you had the feeling that your parents thought of their daughter being potentially more at risk: which type of risk do you think they were referring to?

R : Of course girls are more at risk if they find themselves alone in certain situations, you may face quite big problems, you can be approached by boys, they may come on to you, bad things may happen, for sure as girls may face this kind of problems, boys may find themselves to face bullying, in those days there's a lot of talking about it, but it's true that living in (name of the town) we are not touched by all these things, someone may follow you in the street, some one may insistently come on to you and you don't know what to do, a drunk boy may take you, aand there are circunstances when a girl may find herself that are not really... maybe a younger girl, with no doubts this is quite a safe town, of course a girl may be more at risk of being raped, or victim of violence, or a robbery but this is not happening in (name of the town), if you live in (name of the another area of the same time) then things are different, parents are worrried anyway but for sure they always looked at me as someone they needed to protect as a daughter, more than their son.

Italian

I : Ti chiedo di confermo l'autorizzazione a registrare l'intervista.

R : Certamente.

I : Cominciamo con la prima storia che mi hai detto di voler raccontare rispetto alla tua esperienza che riguarda l'educazione in famiglia diversa tra te e tuo fratello. Prego.

R : Di sicuro tengo a precisare che non ci sono mai stati episodi di episodi e gelosia all'interno della famiglia o comunque dei comportamenti che potessero far ingelosire mio fratello nei miei confronti o io nei suoi confronti, per magari dei comportamenti dei miei genitori, che erano più affettuosi, più vicini, più dolci nei confronti dell'uno o dell'altra, non ci sono mai stati questi problemi; però nel corso degli anni, anche confrontandomi con molte mie amiche che magari avevano dei fratelli maschi, mi sono resa conto che l'educazione che i genitori danno ad una ragazza è molto diversa da quella che danno al ragazzo; nel mio caso, mio fratello è anche più piccolo, di conseguenza quando tu hai, secondo me, un figlio più grande tendi ad aver già vissuto determinate esperienze, sai più o meno come prepararlo a quello che può vivere in futuro e quindi sai già come educarlo all'inizio invece è più difficile, non sai come comportarti, ti chiede di andare ad una festa non sai come reagire, come rispondere; di sicuro io mi sono resa conto che una ragazza ad una determinata età non può ancora uscire, mentre invece un maschio può avere il permesso di uscire, di stare con i suoi amici molto prima, almeno nel mio caso è successo questo, un esempio proprio in questi giornI: mio fratello, lui ha sedici anni, ha richiesto di andare in vacanza con alcuni suoi amici a (nome della città). Se io l'avessi chiesto ai miei genitori a sedici anni, penso che non mi avrebbero mai mandata, da sola con delle mie amiche, a (nome della città), però se da un lato magari posso dire: "con me non l'avete mai fatto, non vi siete mai comportati così" di sicuro posso capire anche che dei genitori siano più preoccupati per una figlia femmina perché le femmine corrono più rischi nel mondo esterno, rispetto al ragazzo; di sicuro sui permessi ci sarebbero tante cose, il richiedere di andare ad una festa, io non sono uscita almeno prima dei quindici / sedici anni, non uscivo anche perché i gruppi di amici che conoscevano non uscivano ancora alla sera, adesso i ragazzi iniziano ad uscire alle medie, forse son cambiati anche i tempi, non lo so...

I : Qual'è la differenza d'età tra te e tuo fratello?

R : Quattro anni, però le generazioni cambiano, a me sembra assurdo dirlo, non che io adesso dico: "mi sento vecchia" però è vero che avvengono dei cambiamenti radicali nelle generazioni di adesso o nella mia e quelle che vengono prima.

I : Ma ti senti di una generazione diversa rispetto a quella di tuo fratello?

R : Sì, quello di sicuro ed è una cosa che ho constatato in generale anche con altre persone che conosco della mia età, hanno più permessi, più disponibilità, più mezzi, nel caso di mio fratello di sicuro anche perchè è maschio sono molto più permissivi, più disponibili, non che qualsiasi cosa lui chieda gliela danno però un altro esempio è il fatto del computer; io fino ad una certa età non l'ho usato, non perché non volessero non lo usassi, io non ero particolarmente interessata però ci sono stati dei boom come (nome del primo social network), come (nome del secondo social network), che sono arrivati proprio quando io avevo più o meno sedici anni, mio fratello è cresciuto invece... cioè esisteva già quando lui aveva dodici / tredici anni, non che lui ci stesse tutti i giorni, fosse maniaco di questi siti, però di sicuro lui ha conosciuto il mondo del computer, dei giochi, della tecnologia, molto prima di me.

I : Ma pensi che i tuoi genitori l'abbiano maggiormente incentivato, o che avessero un'aspettativa verso di lui rispetto al fatto che fosse più interessato alle tecnologie di quanto potessi esserlo stata tu, in quanto maschio?

R : Mah, di sicuro ero meno interessata alla tecnologia, ma qui ricomincio a dire che è anche un fatto di generazione, perché quando io avevo la sua età non c'era ancora la mania di questi social networks...

I : Non era ancora una moda.

R : Non era ancora una moda, non c'era ancora questo contatto maniacale delle persone, questo sentirsi continuamente, non esisteva ancora. E' scoppiato quando io ero in seconda liceo, appunto più o meno alla sua età, lui invece ha conosciuto questo anche attraverso me, perché di sicuro ha seguito molto me in quello che ha fatto nel corso della sua vita, tutto ciò che faceva la sorella lo faceva un po' anche lui per imitazione i fratelli, a prescindere che siano maschio o femmina tendono, tendono molto a seguire il fratello più grande. I miei genitori poi non hanno mai amato particolarmente, non hanno mai spinto poi ad avere magari computer, si sono sempre rifiutati di mettermi la televisione in camera, molte mie amiche ce l'avevano, io ho richiesto tante volte, perché magari si vogliono vedere i cartoni animati, si rifiutavano assolutamente, anche il computer perché potevano far male eccetera, però di sicuro c'è stato un cambiamento nelle generazioni ma anche una maggiore accettazione dell'utilizzo dei mezzi che poi vengono usati adesso. Mio fratello ha utilizzato il computer molto presto, ora ha la playstation, a parte che appunto non amavo particolarmente i giochi elettronici, forse perché ero una ragazza, però di sicuro se io avessi chiesto una playstation non me l'avrebbero mai comprata, mentre invece quando lui ha chiesto una playstation all'inizio magari si sono rivelati contrari poi invece a quel tempo hanno accettato, non perché abbiano preferenze, sono sicura di questo e non ci hanno mai fatto mancare qualcosa. Una cosa particolarissima, che quando eravamo piccoli e appunto come sempre quando nasce il secondo si ha paura che la prima nutra delle gelosie nei confronti, noi siamo sempre stati un caso un po' a parte, sembrava quasi che il piccolo fosse geloso della grande non volevano far mancare mai niente alla grande per paura che si ingelosisse, di conseguenza loro sono stati dei genitori molto molto bravi; c'è un altra cosa, ad esempio i lavori in casa.

I : (Annuisce).

R : Non è che mio fratello sia esonerato, però se io non li faccio, soprattutto mia mamma questo, perché mio papà non è che mi dice: "lava i piatti, fai questo fai quell'altro" magari lei ha bisogno di una mano, di sicuro non chiede aiuto a mio fratello però nel lavare i piatti, nello stendere la biancheria, nel fare i letti, mio fratello la mattina lascia il letto sfatto, io invece sono stata educata a rifarmelo, lui non se lo rifa mai.

I : Anche tra i tuoi genitori è più tua madre ad occuparsi più di questo tipo di lavori?

R : Sì questo di sicuro, mio papà è molto disordinato, lui ha bisogno del suo disordine anche nel lavoro eccetera, però sicuramente sono più le femmine a lavorare in casa, di certo ci son state tante volte in cui ho nutrito un'invidia nei confronti di mio fratello perché ogni volta mi chiedo: "perché lui no, devo sempre far tutto io", tra l'altro se io non metto a posto la stanza me ne vengono dette di tutti i colori, perché mia mamma ama molto l'ordine, poi nel nostro caso dividiamo la stanza di conseguenza io non ho una stanza tutta mia, ce l'ho con mio fratello, magari è più disordinata del solito, però se la sua stanza è disordinata e lui dice: "sì sì metto a posto dopo...", forse perché sa che lui è pigro, però tende lei a mettere a posto per lui, perché sa che non metterà mai a posto, dice tanto e però non fa, mentre io tendo ad aiutarla di più.

I : E' oggetto di discussioni tra voi due e con i genitori oppure no?

R : Mah non sono oggetto di discussioni che possono portare al non parlarsi o qualcosa di grave però di sicuro mi da fastidio l'atteggiamento che utilizza mia mamma nei confronti di entrambi in determinate situazioni, se io non faccio il letto me ne vengono dette di tutti i colori, appunto perché lei ama l'ordine, la nostra casa non è tanto grande, poi c'è sempre gente, magari abbiamo ospiti, non vuole, che sia in disordine, che i letti siano sfatti, che ci siano le cose tutte messe alla “valà che ti va bene” però di certo, se lui si fa il letto non gli viene detto niente, è un esempio; di sicuro se lei deve chiedere di stendere la biancheria, una mano, di lavare i piatti, di fare la tavola, delle pulizie in casa, non lo chiede a mio fratello ma non perché appunto abbia delle preferenze ma proprio perché le viene spontaneo chiederlo alla donna piuttosto che al maschio, proprio perché sa che è più pigro, meno portato in queste cose, è molto probabile che sia per questo; poi, in questi giorni ti stavo raccontando del fatto che lui ha richiesto di fare questo viaggio, mi sono un po' sentita... non è che mi arrabbi, non ho nulla da ridire, anzi, son contenta per lui però di certo ti viene spontaneo pensare: "a me non l'avreste mai fatto fare, non mi avreste mai permesso di fare un viaggio con i miei amici, da sola in un'altra città europea", fino a poco tempo fa volevate che io tornassi ancora ad un'ora precisa, ecco un'altra cosa: gli orari, noi non abbiamo mai avuto problemi con i nostri genitori per l'orario in cui rientrare a casa magari il sabato sera in cui si usciva, ci si metteva d'accordo su un'ora, non abbiamo mai sforato, ad esempio io all'inizio tornavo alle dieci e mezza, poi alle undici poi è sempre più aumentato, però mio fratello adesso esce, fa, briga, già da più di due anni, se io fossi uscita a quest'età, ma non solo io, anche le mie amiche, quello appunto sempre per parlare delle generazioni, dovevamo tornare alle dieci e mezza, lui invece può stare fuori anche fino a mezzanotte, mezzanotte e mezza, una, dipende, se magari ha dei problemi telefona e dice: "guarda ritorno prima / ritorno più tardi", all'epoca quando io avevo la sua età dovevo tornare ad una certa ora, era quella, se potevo dovevo farmi riaccompagnare da qualcuno perché non volevano che tornassi da sola.

I : I maschi tuoi coetanei a quel tempo avevano orari di permesso...

R : Eh no, anche loro...

I : più lunghi, più ampi?

R : Eh che a quell'età non si esce tanto in gruppi, in compagnie, verso i quindici / sedici anni si tende ad uscire solo in gruppi o solo maschili o solo femminili, è proprio con gli ultimi anni di liceo che iniziano a formarsi i gruppi numerosi di persone, di conseguenza non ti so dire con precisione se appunto i maschi potevano stare più fuori però so che non c'era questa abitudine di uscire ogni sabato sera, adesso anche le ragazzine sue amiche possono andare alle feste, a (nome della prima città), a (nome della seconda città), in queste discoteche; io se anche avessi voluto, anche perché non sono mai stata maniaca di discoteche e varie altre cose, ho altri interessi, se devo uscire mi vado a vedere un concerto, però hanno molti più permessi le ragazzine di adesso, c'è anche un fatto che, forse se avessi avuto più amiche e più amici che ritornavano a casa più tardi di conseguenza i miei genitori vedendo che poi ero l'unica a dover rientrare ad una certa ora, magari sarebbero stati più permissivi, però appunto all'epoca non c'era nessun altro, si tornava tutti più o meno alla stessa ora ed erano quelle le regole, non è che si poteva sforare.

I : Tu, parlavi nel caso della tua esperienza personale, che hai avuto la percezione che i tuoi genitori comunque ritenessero la figlia femmina potenzialmente più in pericolo, che genere di pericolo pensi che avessero in mente?

R : Di sicuro per le ragazze ci sono più pericoli, se si trovano da sole in determinate situazioni possono esserci dei problemi non da poco, si possono avvicinare dei ragazzi, possono provarci con te, possono succedere cose abbastanza gravi, certo è che come ad esempio per le ragazze ci possono essere problemi di questo tipo per i ragazzi ci possono essere problemi di bullismo, adesso in questo ultimo periodo si parla molto di bullismo, però è anche vero che vivendo a (nome della città) si è un po' esonerati da tutto questo, a (nome della città) almeno io ho vissuto sempre in modo tranquillo, ma non mi sono mai trovata in situazioni particolari, qualcuno ti può seguire per strada, qualcuno ci può provare con te insistentemente e tu non sai come fare, un ragazzo ubriaco ti può prendere e ci sono delle situazioni in cui si può trovare una ragazza che non sono molto... una ragazza magari più piccola, su questo non c'è dubbio, è una città abbastanza tranquilla, certamente una ragazza può essere più a rischio per quanto riguarda gli stupri, la violenza, anche una "rapina", però queste cose a (nome della città) non accadono, è ovvio che dei genitori tendono a preoccuparsi a prescindere dalla città in cui si vive. cioè non è che si se si vive a nome della città) o si vive a (nome della seconda città) allora le cose cambiano, i genitori si preoccupano allo stesso modo, però di certo hanno sempre visto in me qualcuno da proteggere molto di più, la figlia, rispetto al figlio maschio.

Metadata

Other Topic categories:
CHILDHOOD / FAMILY LIFE / RELATIONSHIPS
IDENTITY
VIOLENCE
Key actors: 
myself, mother, father, sibling
Tags:
caring/carer/care giver, upbringing, age, constraints, going out, holidays, social networks, toys, physical violence, sexual violence
Female, 19 Italy

Gender did matter

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